Live In My Memory Chapter One
Waking to the sound of crying, I sit up in the still dark bedroom, the room I now share with my husband of six months. Carrick is gone of course he would be his new job at the local bar means he doesn't usually come home until well after three in the morning.
Getting up out of the bed I walk out of the room and down the hall to the nursery where the crying is coming from. When I open the door I smile as I see my seven month old daughter Brennan sitting up in her crib.
"Mama is here baby," I tell her as I bend down to pick her up, my eyes locking with her blue ones the moment she is on my hip. I know her eyes resemble my husband's but they also match another man's eyes too. The man who is actually her father.
Brennan continues to cry as I hold her, her head going to rest on my shoulder while her hand goes into her mouth. At least this time I wasn't awoken because of a dirty diaper, I was awoken because of her teething. Something that has been making her extremely fussy.
"You want mama to get you your teething ring?" I ask her when she whimpers slightly. Smiling to myself I leave the nursery holding her on my hip while I make my way down to the kitchen. Going to the freezer I open it, taking out Bree's teething ring and handing it to her, watching as she lets it go inside of her mouth.
Brennan may only be seven months old but she is already so smart and healthy. A concern I had while pregnant with her. It was the same one I had for Junia when I was pregnant with her.
Going to the table I sit down in a chair, letting Bree lean against me as she chews on the teething ring. I know from the green digital letters staring at me that Carrick should be home soon. Maybe he will agree to take over night time duties then and get Bree back to bed. I know though that the last month has been hard on him, especially since Bree is starting to look more and more like her real dad.
Carrick can say he doesn't blame me or love me any less for giving into Taylor twice but I know that's a lie. I see it every time he looks at Bree now. He is silently judging me for what I allowed to happen between us at the cabin. I just hope he doesn't let him love Bree any less, especially since Junia was created from the same situation with Zac, though in his mind I loved Zac more, I had always loved Zac.
Hearing the front door open I leaned against the chair more watching as Carrick came into the kitchen carrying a bag of take out with him.
"I made dinner earlier," I speak up a smile playing on my lips as he jumps at the sound of my voice. "You didn't have to get take out."
Carrick shrugs his arms, putting the bag down on the counter. "I wasn't in the mood for a boxed meal," he teases his tongue coming out as he does so. "I mean no offense but it's not very appetizing to eat something that tastes like cardboard every night."
I make a face my head shaking, "Well then," I say trying to sound offended. "Why don't you try cooking a real meal with a fussy seven month old and a three year old who still acts like she is in her terrible two's even though she is going to be turning four in a matter of days now."
"Maybe I will," Carrick smirks his eyes looking at mine briefly before he opens the bag taking out a container that looks suspiciously like Chinese food. "What are you doing up anyway? I figured you would be in bed since it's almost three-thirty in the morning."
I close my eyes my stomach turning at the smell of the Chinese food, "Bree woke me up with her crying. I think her gums were hurting because she has calmed down since getting her teething ring."
I hear Carrick let out a sigh. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad sigh and I am too afraid to open my eyes to see the expression on his face so I can know just which one it is.
"I think she is asleep now actually," Carrick finally answers me which causes me to open my eyes to look down at the blonde haired child in my arms. She is indeed snoozing away against my chest, her teething ring still in her mouth.
Smiling I stand from the chair, "I'll go put her to bed then I'll be back," I tell him as I leave the kitchen quickly. Going up the stairs and to the nursery I walk over to the crib and put Bree back down, covering her up. After she is covered I reach down to remove her teething ring then I leave the room trying my best to be silent. The last thing I need is for her to wake up again in a matter of seconds.
When I make it back to the kitchen I see that Carrick has now walked over to the chair I was in minutes ago. "Chair thief," I tease before walking over and sitting on his lap. "How was work?" I ask him curiously.
"The same old same," Carrick sighs again an arm going around my waist. "I can't go with you and the girls to Tulsa tomorrow," he frowns as he looks up at me. The Tulsa trip was one we had planned for months. It was supposed to be us getting there tomorrow in time for a party to be held at my parents for Junia, then we would be staying through New Years Eve.
"I thought you were going to ask off for it sometime last month," I frown now too. A part of me can't help but wonder if he didn't put off asking so he couldn't get time off. So he wouldn't have to go to Tulsa and see Taylor. So he wouldn't have to be reminded again of the fact that he is raising Taylor's daughter.
Moving from his lap I run a hand through my hair. I'm trying not to be mad at him but I can't help it. I really can't help it.
"Avery," Carrick starts after he finishes his food. "Don't be like this. I tried the best I could. I asked two days ago but by this time they were already busy," he tells me as he stands from the table taking the empty container to the trash can. "I tried babe," he assures me when he walks to where I am now standing, his hands coming to rest on either of my cheeks.
I shake my head not wanting him to touch me when I am mad at him. "Did you really try?" I ask before backing away from him. "Or did you just not want to go back to Tulsa? To see Taylor and be reminded that he is Bree's father."
After my accusations I see Carrick's expression change. Clearly he is hurt but not once does he try to find words to deny what I have said. He just turns his back to me and leaves the room, heading upstairs.
I follow behind him and when we reach our bedroom I shut the door as he turns on the lamp on the table near the side of the bed where he sleeps. "If you knew it would be this hard raising Taylor's daughter, pretending to be Brennan's dad you should have said no to doing it," I tell him calmly as I get into bed beside him, covering up and turning to face the wall.
"I didn't know it would be this hard Avie," Carrick finally speaks after he has turned off the light. Feeling his arm drape around my waist I close my eyes. "I never expected she would look so much like him. That seeing her would remind me of the fact that you slept with him. I know it's stupid that it hurts me so much because we weren't even together but it does Avie. I mean with Zac I could understand because you loved him and he loved you, but you and Taylor, there was no love it was just plain fucking."
Sighing I know he has a point, "And you also hate him because he called you up there to catch us. He called my mom to make her worried and then he knew mom would call you and have you come check on me."
I don't have to see Carrick to know he nodded to that. I can feel his head move as he pulls me closer to him. "I love you but I'm not sure I can be around Taylor not when every time I look at Bree who I love, he is all I see."
Frowning I close my eyes, letting my arm rest over his. I hate that it seems my indiscretions with Taylor have hurt him but what else can I do? I can't erase what we did and I wouldn't have aborted Bree. I don't believe in abortion no matter what the circumstances are. I could have done adoption but Carrick himself ruled that one out when I told him I was pregnant.
"I'm sorry," I whisper sadly, turning in his arms. Opening my eyes I find him staring back at me through the dark. "I'm sorry your stuck with me and my daughters. I'm sorry I messed everything up by being with Taylor and getting pregnant."
Carrick shakes his head, "You didn't mess anything up Avie, I blame him for seducing you. I blame him for everything that happened at the cabin. You went after him to find him but then he twisted things around just so I would catch you and get jealous," he sighs before leaning in to peck my lips. "I like being stuck with you and your daughters...our daughters," he whispers before kissing me again this time longer than a peck.
Kissing him back I smirk on his lips when I feel him press his hips into mine. I can tell just from his hard on where this is leading and I don't object. After the conversation we have just had we need this. We need to make love to each other. A part of me is glad though that he had that vasectomy after Bree was born. I'm not even sure I want more kids and he had said Bree and Junia were enough for him, he didn't need any of his own.
"I love you," I mutter on his lips his hand slips beneath my night gown to remove my panties. "I love you so much," I whisper hoping that at least once I will mean it. Even after all this time I am still not in love with him, though I do love him. Hell I'm not sure if I will ever love anyone the way I loved Zac.
Waking to the sound of crying, I sit up in the still dark bedroom, the room I now share with my husband of six months. Carrick is gone of course he would be his new job at the local bar means he doesn't usually come home until well after three in the morning.
Getting up out of the bed I walk out of the room and down the hall to the nursery where the crying is coming from. When I open the door I smile as I see my seven month old daughter Brennan sitting up in her crib.
"Mama is here baby," I tell her as I bend down to pick her up, my eyes locking with her blue ones the moment she is on my hip. I know her eyes resemble my husband's but they also match another man's eyes too. The man who is actually her father.
Brennan continues to cry as I hold her, her head going to rest on my shoulder while her hand goes into her mouth. At least this time I wasn't awoken because of a dirty diaper, I was awoken because of her teething. Something that has been making her extremely fussy.
"You want mama to get you your teething ring?" I ask her when she whimpers slightly. Smiling to myself I leave the nursery holding her on my hip while I make my way down to the kitchen. Going to the freezer I open it, taking out Bree's teething ring and handing it to her, watching as she lets it go inside of her mouth.
Brennan may only be seven months old but she is already so smart and healthy. A concern I had while pregnant with her. It was the same one I had for Junia when I was pregnant with her.
Going to the table I sit down in a chair, letting Bree lean against me as she chews on the teething ring. I know from the green digital letters staring at me that Carrick should be home soon. Maybe he will agree to take over night time duties then and get Bree back to bed. I know though that the last month has been hard on him, especially since Bree is starting to look more and more like her real dad.
Carrick can say he doesn't blame me or love me any less for giving into Taylor twice but I know that's a lie. I see it every time he looks at Bree now. He is silently judging me for what I allowed to happen between us at the cabin. I just hope he doesn't let him love Bree any less, especially since Junia was created from the same situation with Zac, though in his mind I loved Zac more, I had always loved Zac.
Hearing the front door open I leaned against the chair more watching as Carrick came into the kitchen carrying a bag of take out with him.
"I made dinner earlier," I speak up a smile playing on my lips as he jumps at the sound of my voice. "You didn't have to get take out."
Carrick shrugs his arms, putting the bag down on the counter. "I wasn't in the mood for a boxed meal," he teases his tongue coming out as he does so. "I mean no offense but it's not very appetizing to eat something that tastes like cardboard every night."
I make a face my head shaking, "Well then," I say trying to sound offended. "Why don't you try cooking a real meal with a fussy seven month old and a three year old who still acts like she is in her terrible two's even though she is going to be turning four in a matter of days now."
"Maybe I will," Carrick smirks his eyes looking at mine briefly before he opens the bag taking out a container that looks suspiciously like Chinese food. "What are you doing up anyway? I figured you would be in bed since it's almost three-thirty in the morning."
I close my eyes my stomach turning at the smell of the Chinese food, "Bree woke me up with her crying. I think her gums were hurting because she has calmed down since getting her teething ring."
I hear Carrick let out a sigh. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad sigh and I am too afraid to open my eyes to see the expression on his face so I can know just which one it is.
"I think she is asleep now actually," Carrick finally answers me which causes me to open my eyes to look down at the blonde haired child in my arms. She is indeed snoozing away against my chest, her teething ring still in her mouth.
Smiling I stand from the chair, "I'll go put her to bed then I'll be back," I tell him as I leave the kitchen quickly. Going up the stairs and to the nursery I walk over to the crib and put Bree back down, covering her up. After she is covered I reach down to remove her teething ring then I leave the room trying my best to be silent. The last thing I need is for her to wake up again in a matter of seconds.
When I make it back to the kitchen I see that Carrick has now walked over to the chair I was in minutes ago. "Chair thief," I tease before walking over and sitting on his lap. "How was work?" I ask him curiously.
"The same old same," Carrick sighs again an arm going around my waist. "I can't go with you and the girls to Tulsa tomorrow," he frowns as he looks up at me. The Tulsa trip was one we had planned for months. It was supposed to be us getting there tomorrow in time for a party to be held at my parents for Junia, then we would be staying through New Years Eve.
"I thought you were going to ask off for it sometime last month," I frown now too. A part of me can't help but wonder if he didn't put off asking so he couldn't get time off. So he wouldn't have to go to Tulsa and see Taylor. So he wouldn't have to be reminded again of the fact that he is raising Taylor's daughter.
Moving from his lap I run a hand through my hair. I'm trying not to be mad at him but I can't help it. I really can't help it.
"Avery," Carrick starts after he finishes his food. "Don't be like this. I tried the best I could. I asked two days ago but by this time they were already busy," he tells me as he stands from the table taking the empty container to the trash can. "I tried babe," he assures me when he walks to where I am now standing, his hands coming to rest on either of my cheeks.
I shake my head not wanting him to touch me when I am mad at him. "Did you really try?" I ask before backing away from him. "Or did you just not want to go back to Tulsa? To see Taylor and be reminded that he is Bree's father."
After my accusations I see Carrick's expression change. Clearly he is hurt but not once does he try to find words to deny what I have said. He just turns his back to me and leaves the room, heading upstairs.
I follow behind him and when we reach our bedroom I shut the door as he turns on the lamp on the table near the side of the bed where he sleeps. "If you knew it would be this hard raising Taylor's daughter, pretending to be Brennan's dad you should have said no to doing it," I tell him calmly as I get into bed beside him, covering up and turning to face the wall.
"I didn't know it would be this hard Avie," Carrick finally speaks after he has turned off the light. Feeling his arm drape around my waist I close my eyes. "I never expected she would look so much like him. That seeing her would remind me of the fact that you slept with him. I know it's stupid that it hurts me so much because we weren't even together but it does Avie. I mean with Zac I could understand because you loved him and he loved you, but you and Taylor, there was no love it was just plain fucking."
Sighing I know he has a point, "And you also hate him because he called you up there to catch us. He called my mom to make her worried and then he knew mom would call you and have you come check on me."
I don't have to see Carrick to know he nodded to that. I can feel his head move as he pulls me closer to him. "I love you but I'm not sure I can be around Taylor not when every time I look at Bree who I love, he is all I see."
Frowning I close my eyes, letting my arm rest over his. I hate that it seems my indiscretions with Taylor have hurt him but what else can I do? I can't erase what we did and I wouldn't have aborted Bree. I don't believe in abortion no matter what the circumstances are. I could have done adoption but Carrick himself ruled that one out when I told him I was pregnant.
"I'm sorry," I whisper sadly, turning in his arms. Opening my eyes I find him staring back at me through the dark. "I'm sorry your stuck with me and my daughters. I'm sorry I messed everything up by being with Taylor and getting pregnant."
Carrick shakes his head, "You didn't mess anything up Avie, I blame him for seducing you. I blame him for everything that happened at the cabin. You went after him to find him but then he twisted things around just so I would catch you and get jealous," he sighs before leaning in to peck my lips. "I like being stuck with you and your daughters...our daughters," he whispers before kissing me again this time longer than a peck.
Kissing him back I smirk on his lips when I feel him press his hips into mine. I can tell just from his hard on where this is leading and I don't object. After the conversation we have just had we need this. We need to make love to each other. A part of me is glad though that he had that vasectomy after Bree was born. I'm not even sure I want more kids and he had said Bree and Junia were enough for him, he didn't need any of his own.
"I love you," I mutter on his lips his hand slips beneath my night gown to remove my panties. "I love you so much," I whisper hoping that at least once I will mean it. Even after all this time I am still not in love with him, though I do love him. Hell I'm not sure if I will ever love anyone the way I loved Zac.