Live In My Memory Chapter Sixteen
Several hours after Sam is dead I run a hand through my hair as I sit in a police interrogation room. I'm not sure of how many questions I have been asked or even just how long I have been here but I know it feels like years almost. I'm getting sick of it really. I just want to go home...no not home as the apartment reminds me of Sam now and all he has done. I just want to go somewhere and rest.
Finally when the police officers let me know I am free to go I stand from the chair, leaving the room in a hurry. Spotting Taylor and Natalie standing by the doors I run to Taylor throwing my arms around him, not even caring that his wife is standing there or even caring when I finally notice Zac there too.
In the end I am not sure I can fully trust Zac right now or have him touch me. He looks too much like the face that is now haunting me. He looks too much like Sam. Sam manipulated me..he made me think he was Zac. He had sex with me and that thought makes me sick. He had sex with me twice unprotected. He used me and because of him I don't want to even touch Zac right now because just looking at him reminds me.
"I want to go home," I whisper to Taylor when I feel his arms go around me. "Please just take me home."
Taylor pulls away nodding his head, "I'll take you and Zac both back to the apartment," he volunteers as he turns away from me slightly but I shake my head no at his words. I don't want to go back to the apartment and I don't want to be with Zac alone.
"No," I speak up making Taylor turn to face me again. "I don't want to go back to the apartment. Sam ruined that place for me," I frown feeling tears in my eyes. "And I really just don't want to be alone with Zac right now. Not when all I see is Sam's face."
Natalie then takes it upon herself to speak, "Then what do you suggest my husband does Avery?" she asks her voice coming off angry. I get her being angry I really do but surely after everything she isn't going to be angry with me. "If he takes you anywhere else he knows I'm gone. I told him when I came back that I would only be with him if he promised to get custody of Bree and get you out of our lives," she reveals making me feel again like I have been punched in the gut for the second time in twenty-four hours.
I knew Taylor had filed for custody but I just figured he would drop it. I had no clue that now Natalie wanted that, that Natalie wanted me out of Bree's life much like Kate had once wanted me out of Junia's life.
Shaking my head the tears I had felt in my eyes earlier are soon going down my cheek. I don't mean to cry but it just happens. I can't control how I feel at the moment and I hate that. I hate not having control of my emotions. "Y..you want to steal my daughter from me?" I ask through tears as I back away from everyone some.
As I back away Zac goes to put his hand on my arm but I pull it away from him, "Don't fucking touch me," I spit out, watching as he moves his hand away a look of hurt flashing in his eyes.
Taylor swallows and this time he reaches out for me, pulling me close, "We'll talk about this when I take you to my house," he says as he eyes Natalie the whole time.
"If she goes to our house I am going to my mom's indefinitely," Natalie tells him her voice sounding serious like she wants Taylor to know she means what she says.
"Then go to your mom's," Zac answers instead of Taylor. "Go to your fucking mom's like the bitch you are. Can't you see she needs Taylor right now," he reasons as he raises his voice at her which surprises me. "She needs him," he yells before going outside, obviously leaving both Natalie and I stunned though Taylor looks the least bit stunned by what happened. By Zac's admission that I need Taylor right now.
Just looking down I follow behind Zac feeling Natalie and Taylor following behind me as well. When we make it Taylor's car, the car we are all going to have to ride in I sigh. I almost wish the police weren't still holding Zac's truck for evidence but they are because that is were Sam put Kate's dead body and also Carrick's after he killed Carrick.
Going to the back once I hear Taylor unlock his door's I get in and buckle up turning to see Zac get in on the other side. "I'm sorry," I tell him trying to apologize for how I acted when he tried to touch me earlier. I can hear Taylor and Natalie now talking under hushed breathes too as Taylor drives towards Pam's house. "I'm sorry for telling you not to touch me."
Zac shakes his head as he stays looking away from me which hurts some. "I get it," he says as chews his lip briefly. "S..Sam he raped me multiple times Avery. He raped me months before he even kidnapped me. I know what it's like to hate my face," he admits his voice harsh and bitter. "You hate me now because of him and I understand that."
"I don't hate you," I frown before unbuckling and moving closer to him. "I don't hate you," I repeat before putting my head on his shoulder. "I could never hate you but I don't feel comfortable with you. I just remember everything Sam did when I look at you. How he used me."
To that Zac doesn't say anything though he does turn his head. Watching as his face inches closer to mine I hold my breath when he kisses me, but eventually I kiss him back. I kiss him and let my hand go to rest on his cheek. It's when I feel the car come to a stop that I pull away, watching as Natalie gets out of the car, heading inside of her mom's house.
It isn't long after Natalie leaves the car that Taylor pulls out of Pam's driveway. "Do you want me to take you to Ave's apartment or somewhere else?" Taylor asks Zac which makes me look at him curiously.
Zac sighs, "Take me to mom and dad's," he says looking as if he is nervous and maybe in a way he is nervous. He does have to face them after faking his death. "I..I need to see them and my kids. I have to tell Shepherd about his mother," he frowns which makes me frown. I may not have gotten along with Kate but I never wanted her dead. I never wanted my nephew to lose his mother. Hell I never wanted Junia to lose the woman she had spent her first two years of life with.
Taylor just nods and continues driving, staying silent after that. Maybe it's best Taylor is silent because I'm not sure what can be said right now between any of the three of us.
When Taylor arrives at our parents I watch as Zac gets out of the car and Taylor pulls away again, this time heading to his house. I don't say anything the entire ride there or even when we both get out. Though I do speak once we are inside, "Can I use your bath tub? I want to take a shower," I smile or try too.
"Of course," Taylor nods as he looks me over. "You know where everything is right?"
Laughing I nod, "You've lived here for years. I think I should remember," I tell him before turning and heading into the bathroom. Getting there I shut the door and undress before bending over and starting the water after the stopper is in. While the tub fills up I find the bubble bath Natalie keeps on hand and pour some in. I don't normally take bubble baths but I just need to relax right now. I need to try to forget everything that has happened.
Once I was satisfied with how high the water had gotten I turned off the faucet and stepped in, letting myself relax some once I had sat down. As I close my eyes I can hear the door open and close which makes me open them again to find Taylor walking to the edge of the tub.
"You doing okay?" Taylor asks me as he bends down. "I mean at the police station, the way you went off on Zac when he tried to touch you. How you clung to me when you hugged me."
Swallowing at his words I shake my head, "I'm not sure I will be okay for awhile," I frown being honest with Taylor. "Every time I look at Zac all I see is Sam and Sam used me. He had sex with me twice..twice when I thought he was Zac. I just feel so disgusted and dirty and ashamed that I didn't know the difference. I'm also mad that I don't feel safe with Zac anymore because of Sam."
Taylor frowns at my words, going silent for what seems like forever, "I'm sorry Sam did that to you," he finally speaks his voice sounding sincere. "He also raped Zac too though you know," he says calling what Sam did to me rape. "It was before Zac and I. I feel like that was one of the reasons Zac was with me sexually. I helped him forget things. I helped him forget what happened."
I smile sadly at his words, "Hugging you helped me forget," I inform him, locking eyes with him. "But being with you always makes me forget the bad things," I confess coming to a realization that scares the shit out of me. I am still very much in love with Zac but it seems Taylor has also worked his way into my heart. I am in love with Taylor.
"I love you," I whisper out so soft that I am not sure he hears me but when I see his face change just the least bit I know he did hear my words. "I love you too," I smile again sadly as I remember him telling me he loved me the day Carrick and I left for Oklahoma City. He had said he loved me but not enough to leave his family. "I love you Taylor."
Taylor looks away after I say it a third time. His face looking as if he thinks I don't mean what I say but I do. I mean every word that is coming out of my mouth. I love Taylor...no he isn't Zac but I love him. He gives me things that Zac can't just like Zac gives me things Taylor can't.
"You're just saying that because of what's happened," Taylor finally breaks his silence as he looks at me again his blue eyes showing hints of weariness. "You don't love me not when you love Zac."
"But I do love you," I counter before shaking my head. "I love you even with loving Zac. I love you and that's why I need you right now. Why I noticed you first at the police station. It's because I love you."
At my words Taylor stands up pacing the bathroom floor, "I'm married to Natalie," he tells me as if that should change things. "You heard her tonight. She wants us to have custody of Bree and you to be gone from my life."
I nod acknowledging that I had heard Natalie. "Do you love Natalie?" I ask him which gets him to stop pacing finally as he looks at me. His face already giving me my answer but I want to hear him say the words. "Do you love your wife?" I ask him again rewording the question.
Taylor shakes his head no, "I haven't been in love with her for awhile. I don't love her but I do love my family..my kids. If I leave her she'll take them from me."
"Fight here then Taylor. Fight her and take her to court like you would have done me," I tell him before smiling for real this time. "If you aren't happy with her then leave her and fight her for the kids if she threatens to take them."
Taylor finally cracks a smile as he looks down at me, "You are going to ruin my life Avery," he mutters as he bends down beside the tub again. "You are going to ruin everything."
I shrug before reaching out and grabbing his shirt collar, "But you'll every minute of it," I smile before pulling him into a kiss. The kiss is different then the one I shared with Zac earlier. This kiss is full of much more want and need as if we are both searching for something, while the kiss I had shared with Zac was more tender because we had both already found what we needed, we just have to find a way to get back to it.
When Taylor pulls away from the kiss eventually I frown playfully but soon smirk as I watch him undress quickly and soon slip into the tub so that he is facing me. Almost effortlessly I move towards him, letting my legs rest against his hip as I hover over his hard cock. I knew what was going to happen and I knew neither of us could fight it. We were going to betray Zac by making love but then again I am sure our kiss had already done that.
Locking eyes with Taylor I bite my lip when I move down on him a moan coming from his mouth which just makes me smirk. Leaning in I kiss him again before trying to find a pace as I began to move on him, feeling him eventually matching me.
"Fuck," I groan out when his nails graze into my hips. "Fucking hell," I mutter as I kiss him harder my eyes falling closed. Taylor's movements along with mine are driving me crazy as is the concept of how forbidden this is but damn it, it feels good and it's helping me forget. Helping me feel safe.
At the thought of safety I think of Zac then trying not to feel guilty because of this. Hell maybe he knew this would happen. It happened between him and Taylor when he was broken so maybe he knew when he told Natalie off that I would fuck Taylor too since I am broken. Though I doubt he expected me to realize I was in love with Taylor.
Biting down on Taylor's lip I moan out his name when my orgasm hits and I can feel also feel him reach his peak around the same time. Pulling away from the kiss I just look at Taylor as I chew on my own lip now.
"I love you," I say speaking again before resting my forehead on his shoulder where I leave light kisses. I know right now I can sit here and pretend things aren't complicated but they are. Zac is back...and I am having issues with him, though I still love him. I will always love him, but I also now realize I love Taylor too...I love Taylor and he is the one who can help me while Zac can't.
I am so fucking screwed and I can't help but feel in the end that someone is going to get hurt...maybe even me.
Several hours after Sam is dead I run a hand through my hair as I sit in a police interrogation room. I'm not sure of how many questions I have been asked or even just how long I have been here but I know it feels like years almost. I'm getting sick of it really. I just want to go home...no not home as the apartment reminds me of Sam now and all he has done. I just want to go somewhere and rest.
Finally when the police officers let me know I am free to go I stand from the chair, leaving the room in a hurry. Spotting Taylor and Natalie standing by the doors I run to Taylor throwing my arms around him, not even caring that his wife is standing there or even caring when I finally notice Zac there too.
In the end I am not sure I can fully trust Zac right now or have him touch me. He looks too much like the face that is now haunting me. He looks too much like Sam. Sam manipulated me..he made me think he was Zac. He had sex with me and that thought makes me sick. He had sex with me twice unprotected. He used me and because of him I don't want to even touch Zac right now because just looking at him reminds me.
"I want to go home," I whisper to Taylor when I feel his arms go around me. "Please just take me home."
Taylor pulls away nodding his head, "I'll take you and Zac both back to the apartment," he volunteers as he turns away from me slightly but I shake my head no at his words. I don't want to go back to the apartment and I don't want to be with Zac alone.
"No," I speak up making Taylor turn to face me again. "I don't want to go back to the apartment. Sam ruined that place for me," I frown feeling tears in my eyes. "And I really just don't want to be alone with Zac right now. Not when all I see is Sam's face."
Natalie then takes it upon herself to speak, "Then what do you suggest my husband does Avery?" she asks her voice coming off angry. I get her being angry I really do but surely after everything she isn't going to be angry with me. "If he takes you anywhere else he knows I'm gone. I told him when I came back that I would only be with him if he promised to get custody of Bree and get you out of our lives," she reveals making me feel again like I have been punched in the gut for the second time in twenty-four hours.
I knew Taylor had filed for custody but I just figured he would drop it. I had no clue that now Natalie wanted that, that Natalie wanted me out of Bree's life much like Kate had once wanted me out of Junia's life.
Shaking my head the tears I had felt in my eyes earlier are soon going down my cheek. I don't mean to cry but it just happens. I can't control how I feel at the moment and I hate that. I hate not having control of my emotions. "Y..you want to steal my daughter from me?" I ask through tears as I back away from everyone some.
As I back away Zac goes to put his hand on my arm but I pull it away from him, "Don't fucking touch me," I spit out, watching as he moves his hand away a look of hurt flashing in his eyes.
Taylor swallows and this time he reaches out for me, pulling me close, "We'll talk about this when I take you to my house," he says as he eyes Natalie the whole time.
"If she goes to our house I am going to my mom's indefinitely," Natalie tells him her voice sounding serious like she wants Taylor to know she means what she says.
"Then go to your mom's," Zac answers instead of Taylor. "Go to your fucking mom's like the bitch you are. Can't you see she needs Taylor right now," he reasons as he raises his voice at her which surprises me. "She needs him," he yells before going outside, obviously leaving both Natalie and I stunned though Taylor looks the least bit stunned by what happened. By Zac's admission that I need Taylor right now.
Just looking down I follow behind Zac feeling Natalie and Taylor following behind me as well. When we make it Taylor's car, the car we are all going to have to ride in I sigh. I almost wish the police weren't still holding Zac's truck for evidence but they are because that is were Sam put Kate's dead body and also Carrick's after he killed Carrick.
Going to the back once I hear Taylor unlock his door's I get in and buckle up turning to see Zac get in on the other side. "I'm sorry," I tell him trying to apologize for how I acted when he tried to touch me earlier. I can hear Taylor and Natalie now talking under hushed breathes too as Taylor drives towards Pam's house. "I'm sorry for telling you not to touch me."
Zac shakes his head as he stays looking away from me which hurts some. "I get it," he says as chews his lip briefly. "S..Sam he raped me multiple times Avery. He raped me months before he even kidnapped me. I know what it's like to hate my face," he admits his voice harsh and bitter. "You hate me now because of him and I understand that."
"I don't hate you," I frown before unbuckling and moving closer to him. "I don't hate you," I repeat before putting my head on his shoulder. "I could never hate you but I don't feel comfortable with you. I just remember everything Sam did when I look at you. How he used me."
To that Zac doesn't say anything though he does turn his head. Watching as his face inches closer to mine I hold my breath when he kisses me, but eventually I kiss him back. I kiss him and let my hand go to rest on his cheek. It's when I feel the car come to a stop that I pull away, watching as Natalie gets out of the car, heading inside of her mom's house.
It isn't long after Natalie leaves the car that Taylor pulls out of Pam's driveway. "Do you want me to take you to Ave's apartment or somewhere else?" Taylor asks Zac which makes me look at him curiously.
Zac sighs, "Take me to mom and dad's," he says looking as if he is nervous and maybe in a way he is nervous. He does have to face them after faking his death. "I..I need to see them and my kids. I have to tell Shepherd about his mother," he frowns which makes me frown. I may not have gotten along with Kate but I never wanted her dead. I never wanted my nephew to lose his mother. Hell I never wanted Junia to lose the woman she had spent her first two years of life with.
Taylor just nods and continues driving, staying silent after that. Maybe it's best Taylor is silent because I'm not sure what can be said right now between any of the three of us.
When Taylor arrives at our parents I watch as Zac gets out of the car and Taylor pulls away again, this time heading to his house. I don't say anything the entire ride there or even when we both get out. Though I do speak once we are inside, "Can I use your bath tub? I want to take a shower," I smile or try too.
"Of course," Taylor nods as he looks me over. "You know where everything is right?"
Laughing I nod, "You've lived here for years. I think I should remember," I tell him before turning and heading into the bathroom. Getting there I shut the door and undress before bending over and starting the water after the stopper is in. While the tub fills up I find the bubble bath Natalie keeps on hand and pour some in. I don't normally take bubble baths but I just need to relax right now. I need to try to forget everything that has happened.
Once I was satisfied with how high the water had gotten I turned off the faucet and stepped in, letting myself relax some once I had sat down. As I close my eyes I can hear the door open and close which makes me open them again to find Taylor walking to the edge of the tub.
"You doing okay?" Taylor asks me as he bends down. "I mean at the police station, the way you went off on Zac when he tried to touch you. How you clung to me when you hugged me."
Swallowing at his words I shake my head, "I'm not sure I will be okay for awhile," I frown being honest with Taylor. "Every time I look at Zac all I see is Sam and Sam used me. He had sex with me twice..twice when I thought he was Zac. I just feel so disgusted and dirty and ashamed that I didn't know the difference. I'm also mad that I don't feel safe with Zac anymore because of Sam."
Taylor frowns at my words, going silent for what seems like forever, "I'm sorry Sam did that to you," he finally speaks his voice sounding sincere. "He also raped Zac too though you know," he says calling what Sam did to me rape. "It was before Zac and I. I feel like that was one of the reasons Zac was with me sexually. I helped him forget things. I helped him forget what happened."
I smile sadly at his words, "Hugging you helped me forget," I inform him, locking eyes with him. "But being with you always makes me forget the bad things," I confess coming to a realization that scares the shit out of me. I am still very much in love with Zac but it seems Taylor has also worked his way into my heart. I am in love with Taylor.
"I love you," I whisper out so soft that I am not sure he hears me but when I see his face change just the least bit I know he did hear my words. "I love you too," I smile again sadly as I remember him telling me he loved me the day Carrick and I left for Oklahoma City. He had said he loved me but not enough to leave his family. "I love you Taylor."
Taylor looks away after I say it a third time. His face looking as if he thinks I don't mean what I say but I do. I mean every word that is coming out of my mouth. I love Taylor...no he isn't Zac but I love him. He gives me things that Zac can't just like Zac gives me things Taylor can't.
"You're just saying that because of what's happened," Taylor finally breaks his silence as he looks at me again his blue eyes showing hints of weariness. "You don't love me not when you love Zac."
"But I do love you," I counter before shaking my head. "I love you even with loving Zac. I love you and that's why I need you right now. Why I noticed you first at the police station. It's because I love you."
At my words Taylor stands up pacing the bathroom floor, "I'm married to Natalie," he tells me as if that should change things. "You heard her tonight. She wants us to have custody of Bree and you to be gone from my life."
I nod acknowledging that I had heard Natalie. "Do you love Natalie?" I ask him which gets him to stop pacing finally as he looks at me. His face already giving me my answer but I want to hear him say the words. "Do you love your wife?" I ask him again rewording the question.
Taylor shakes his head no, "I haven't been in love with her for awhile. I don't love her but I do love my family..my kids. If I leave her she'll take them from me."
"Fight here then Taylor. Fight her and take her to court like you would have done me," I tell him before smiling for real this time. "If you aren't happy with her then leave her and fight her for the kids if she threatens to take them."
Taylor finally cracks a smile as he looks down at me, "You are going to ruin my life Avery," he mutters as he bends down beside the tub again. "You are going to ruin everything."
I shrug before reaching out and grabbing his shirt collar, "But you'll every minute of it," I smile before pulling him into a kiss. The kiss is different then the one I shared with Zac earlier. This kiss is full of much more want and need as if we are both searching for something, while the kiss I had shared with Zac was more tender because we had both already found what we needed, we just have to find a way to get back to it.
When Taylor pulls away from the kiss eventually I frown playfully but soon smirk as I watch him undress quickly and soon slip into the tub so that he is facing me. Almost effortlessly I move towards him, letting my legs rest against his hip as I hover over his hard cock. I knew what was going to happen and I knew neither of us could fight it. We were going to betray Zac by making love but then again I am sure our kiss had already done that.
Locking eyes with Taylor I bite my lip when I move down on him a moan coming from his mouth which just makes me smirk. Leaning in I kiss him again before trying to find a pace as I began to move on him, feeling him eventually matching me.
"Fuck," I groan out when his nails graze into my hips. "Fucking hell," I mutter as I kiss him harder my eyes falling closed. Taylor's movements along with mine are driving me crazy as is the concept of how forbidden this is but damn it, it feels good and it's helping me forget. Helping me feel safe.
At the thought of safety I think of Zac then trying not to feel guilty because of this. Hell maybe he knew this would happen. It happened between him and Taylor when he was broken so maybe he knew when he told Natalie off that I would fuck Taylor too since I am broken. Though I doubt he expected me to realize I was in love with Taylor.
Biting down on Taylor's lip I moan out his name when my orgasm hits and I can feel also feel him reach his peak around the same time. Pulling away from the kiss I just look at Taylor as I chew on my own lip now.
"I love you," I say speaking again before resting my forehead on his shoulder where I leave light kisses. I know right now I can sit here and pretend things aren't complicated but they are. Zac is back...and I am having issues with him, though I still love him. I will always love him, but I also now realize I love Taylor too...I love Taylor and he is the one who can help me while Zac can't.
I am so fucking screwed and I can't help but feel in the end that someone is going to get hurt...maybe even me.