Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty-One
"Avery?" Zac's voice breaks my thoughts and I realize I am still sitting on the steps at the cabin though I am not sure how much time has passed since I have been sitting her. Turning my head I look at him and stand up holding out Junia's bag of clothes.
"I brought her clothes," I tell him as if that explains things. "I didn't want to ruin the bonding time with Rachel," I confess before feeling my cheeks grow hot. "I guess she came back while I was gone."
Zac nods as he takes the bag from my hands, "She did come back while you were gone. She said she likes me too much to let my past get in the way of our future," he smiles so big and the smile breaks my heart. I should be happy that he is happy I really should. "I guess we can both be happy now. I mean I have Rachel and I assume you'll have Taylor once he moves back here."
Sighing when Zac mentions Taylor I shake my head, "Taylor and I talked about that when he came to get Bree. We...he...we had sex again but the spark wasn't there. We decided it was best if we just stayed platonic," I lie not wanting to reveal that the spark had been there. I just couldn't get with Taylor. I had told him I couldn't do that to Zac.
"Oh," Zac frowns before running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up."
I shrug, "It's not like you knew," I laugh before looking away from him. "How long have you been dating Rachel?" I ask knowing I need answers. I need to know he is happy. Maybe then I can try to get over the fact that I have realized I am still in love with him.
"Since March," Zac smiles again right as I look at him. "She is a teacher at Shepherd's school. We met when I went to pick him up for school. I brought her here this weekend because well I wanted to propose. I probably still will but I am not so sure she'll say yes."
When he mentions he wants to propose I feel as if I have been stabbed in the heart with a long sharp knife. Especially when my mind goes to the engagement ring he had gotten while I was pregnant with Junia. A ring he had told me to wear to prove I would spend forever with him. After I had thought he was dead and I got the ring back I had worn it around my neck but sometime after I married Carrick I had taken it off. I had taken it off and now it was in some shoe box in my closet.
"You were going to propose before telling me?" I ask feeling offended though it's not being offended that comes across in my voice. What comes across in my voice is hurt.
Zac's eyebrows knit together and I know he is confused by me being hurt. Why wouldn't he be when he thought I no longer loved him anymore.
"I didn't think it would matter," he shrugs his shoulders as he steps closer to me. "I mean I know we have Junia but I just didn't think it would matter."
Laughing I look down, "It does matter Zac. How would you feel if I brought some man into the picture dating wise and he asked me to marry him before I even told you that we were dating?" I ask before crossing my arms over my belly. "How would you feel?"
Zac goes silent as if he is contemplating my words. As if they have made some sort of impact on him but I am not sure they have. Zac can be dumb at times and I fear now is one of those times. I fear he is just going to be typical Zac right now. Then again I fell in love with typical Zac so I can't really judge him too harshly.
"I guess I'd be ticked because of our kids. Not knowing if the man is good with them or even knowing what he is like," Zac finally speaks. "Is this your way of asking me not to propose to Rachel?" he asks right as Rachel opens the door and comes out onto the porch.
"Y..you're going to ask me to marry you?" Rachel smiles as she walks closer to Zac. I want to run over and knock her out of the way but I don't. Instead I just stand there watching as she puts her hand on Zac's back.
Zac turns to look at her a smile on his lips again, "Yeah. I guess the surprise is out huh?" he asks as he puts Junia's bag down on the porch and gives me a look that tells me he has to go through with it now. As he pulls out a box I just stand there frozen in place. "Rachel Trinity Grossman," he smiles more as he drops down to one knee. "Will you do me the honor of being my wife?"
As the words come out of Zac's mouth I half wonder if this is how he felt when he watched Carrick propose to me. If the pain in my heart equaled his own at that moment. If it did I am sorry for that moment even if it did lead me to making love to Zac for the first time that night.
"Yes," Rachel says tearfully as she breaks my thoughts. She isn't the only one crying I realize when I feel tears going down my own cheek.
The moment Zac stands up and puts the ring on her finger is the moment I bolt from the porch. I can't really run well at six months pregnant but I sure as hell fast walk towards my car where I get in and slam the door shut. When the door is shut is when I lean against the seat and break down crying.
Hearing the passenger side door open I don't have to turn my head to know it's Zac. I don't have to because I know. "Ave?" he questions and I turn my head to face him, wiping my tears away.
"Did it hurt this much when you watched Carrick propose to me?" I ask him before more tears fall from my eyes. "Because it feels as if my heart is being stomped on over and over again," I continue not giving him time to talk. "I saw you guys playing happy family. That's why I was on the steps when you came out. Seeing that made me realize I loved you but maybe deep down I knew I always did because I lied about there being no spark between Taylor and I. I just couldn't do that to you. I couldn't be with him because I knew it would hurt you. But maybe a part of me did it because I knew I still loved you and I never stopped."
Zac frowns as he listens to me, "You don't know what you are saying," he speaks as he reaches over to wipe the tears from eyes now. "You're just pregnant and upset."
"I'm not just pregnant and upset Zac," I snap at him and he jumps some. "I love you. I'm still in love with you."
"Rachel," Zac speaks as he looks towards the cabin where Rachel is probably inside being the happy giddy bitch. "I love her Avery. Taylor's your better choice. Just go be with him and let me move on with Rachel."
Shaking my head at his words I can't help but glare. I am pissed that he is again trying to push me towards Taylor. Push me towards someone who I don't want. "Why do you want me with Taylor so badly?"
"Because every time I touch you all I am gonna see is Sam touching you. Is Sam having sex with you," Zac confesses which shocks me. "I have already seen it the times I have done it. I hate that I allowed him the chance to torment you Avery. I hate that I let him get into your life. If I hadn't have been that coward and faked my death you wouldn't have gotten hurt."
Frowning at his words I shrug, "I've moved on from Sam hurting me," I tell Zac as I smile some. "I feel safe with you again. I felt safe with you when we made love after that threesome with Taylor. I know you're not Sam."
Zac looks away from me after I speak which breaks my heart. "I'm not over it though Avery," he whispers sadly as he shakes his head. "It hurt hearing you say you didn't love me. It hurt knowing you loved Taylor but the thought of it made things okay because I knew then I wouldn't have to see you or touch you every day with the guilt of what Sam did. I just I can't do this Avery. I am with Rachel now and we are done," Zac states before getting out of my car and slamming the door.
Watching him leave the car I frown but start it up and drive away heading home. Knowing Zac's reasons now for insisting I am with Taylor makes things clear for me but they still hurt. They hurt because the first time I let him talk me into ending things. I let him drive me away and now Zac is refusing to let me back in. Zac is refusing to let me back into his heart. He wants Rachel which makes me sick.
When I get home I park my car and get out heading inside. Once I am inside I go to my room and lay down on the bed where I start to cry again. I am just hurt that Zac doesn't want to be with me because of the Sam stuff. That he still hasn't forgiven himself for what happened even though it's been months now. I want my Zac back but he isn't here. Instead there is Rachel's Zac.
Closing my eyes I let myself drift off into a restless sleep in which I toss and turn entirely too much. By the time I wake up the next morning I feel worse then what I did when I went to sleep and the pounding on my door isn't helping the headache I developed in my sleep.
Getting out of bed I go to the door and open it with a glare wanting whoever it is to know I am pissed they are here at my door pounding like some idiot. Though the moment I see Taylor standing there holding Bree my glare drops slightly.
Taylor makes a face as he looks me over, "You look like shit," he mutters before coming inside the apartment. "I decided to bring Bree back early though so maybe that will help you look less like shit."
"I look like shit because of Zac," I mutter under my breath as I close the door once Taylor is inside. "Did you know he was dating a girl named Rachel and he brought Rachel here for the weekend to propose?" I ask watching as Taylor turns to face me with a guilty look on his face. He knew too but never told me.
"Zac made me promise not to tell you," Taylor reasons as he sits down on the couch putting Bree down on the floor. I can't help but keep an eye on her as she toddles over to some of her toys that are in the corner of the room. "Did you see her?"
"Not just her. I watched Zac propose," I reveal forcing a smile. "I realized I still love Zac when I saw how happy they were with Shepherd and Junia. I told him but he refuses to be with me because of everything Sam did. He wants me to be with you so he doesn't have to feel fucking guilty for shit still."
Taylor smiles as I sit down beside him on the couch, "Then why don't you do what he wants Ave," he says which surprises me. "I mean I know you love him and you'll always love him but why not give me a chance? And don't give me bullshit about hurting Zac because he is trying to push you towards me so give him what he wants."
Sighing I look over at Bree for awhile almost wishing I could be her age again. At least then things weren't complicated. Things were easy. I didn't have to make a choice between going against what Zac wanted and fighting for him or doing what he wanted and giving Taylor a chance.
"Fine," I mutter as I look back at him and nod my head. "I'll do what Zac wants. I always do what he wants. I'll give you chance," I smile some this time not having to force it as much. "I'll be with you."
"Avery?" Zac's voice breaks my thoughts and I realize I am still sitting on the steps at the cabin though I am not sure how much time has passed since I have been sitting her. Turning my head I look at him and stand up holding out Junia's bag of clothes.
"I brought her clothes," I tell him as if that explains things. "I didn't want to ruin the bonding time with Rachel," I confess before feeling my cheeks grow hot. "I guess she came back while I was gone."
Zac nods as he takes the bag from my hands, "She did come back while you were gone. She said she likes me too much to let my past get in the way of our future," he smiles so big and the smile breaks my heart. I should be happy that he is happy I really should. "I guess we can both be happy now. I mean I have Rachel and I assume you'll have Taylor once he moves back here."
Sighing when Zac mentions Taylor I shake my head, "Taylor and I talked about that when he came to get Bree. We...he...we had sex again but the spark wasn't there. We decided it was best if we just stayed platonic," I lie not wanting to reveal that the spark had been there. I just couldn't get with Taylor. I had told him I couldn't do that to Zac.
"Oh," Zac frowns before running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up."
I shrug, "It's not like you knew," I laugh before looking away from him. "How long have you been dating Rachel?" I ask knowing I need answers. I need to know he is happy. Maybe then I can try to get over the fact that I have realized I am still in love with him.
"Since March," Zac smiles again right as I look at him. "She is a teacher at Shepherd's school. We met when I went to pick him up for school. I brought her here this weekend because well I wanted to propose. I probably still will but I am not so sure she'll say yes."
When he mentions he wants to propose I feel as if I have been stabbed in the heart with a long sharp knife. Especially when my mind goes to the engagement ring he had gotten while I was pregnant with Junia. A ring he had told me to wear to prove I would spend forever with him. After I had thought he was dead and I got the ring back I had worn it around my neck but sometime after I married Carrick I had taken it off. I had taken it off and now it was in some shoe box in my closet.
"You were going to propose before telling me?" I ask feeling offended though it's not being offended that comes across in my voice. What comes across in my voice is hurt.
Zac's eyebrows knit together and I know he is confused by me being hurt. Why wouldn't he be when he thought I no longer loved him anymore.
"I didn't think it would matter," he shrugs his shoulders as he steps closer to me. "I mean I know we have Junia but I just didn't think it would matter."
Laughing I look down, "It does matter Zac. How would you feel if I brought some man into the picture dating wise and he asked me to marry him before I even told you that we were dating?" I ask before crossing my arms over my belly. "How would you feel?"
Zac goes silent as if he is contemplating my words. As if they have made some sort of impact on him but I am not sure they have. Zac can be dumb at times and I fear now is one of those times. I fear he is just going to be typical Zac right now. Then again I fell in love with typical Zac so I can't really judge him too harshly.
"I guess I'd be ticked because of our kids. Not knowing if the man is good with them or even knowing what he is like," Zac finally speaks. "Is this your way of asking me not to propose to Rachel?" he asks right as Rachel opens the door and comes out onto the porch.
"Y..you're going to ask me to marry you?" Rachel smiles as she walks closer to Zac. I want to run over and knock her out of the way but I don't. Instead I just stand there watching as she puts her hand on Zac's back.
Zac turns to look at her a smile on his lips again, "Yeah. I guess the surprise is out huh?" he asks as he puts Junia's bag down on the porch and gives me a look that tells me he has to go through with it now. As he pulls out a box I just stand there frozen in place. "Rachel Trinity Grossman," he smiles more as he drops down to one knee. "Will you do me the honor of being my wife?"
As the words come out of Zac's mouth I half wonder if this is how he felt when he watched Carrick propose to me. If the pain in my heart equaled his own at that moment. If it did I am sorry for that moment even if it did lead me to making love to Zac for the first time that night.
"Yes," Rachel says tearfully as she breaks my thoughts. She isn't the only one crying I realize when I feel tears going down my own cheek.
The moment Zac stands up and puts the ring on her finger is the moment I bolt from the porch. I can't really run well at six months pregnant but I sure as hell fast walk towards my car where I get in and slam the door shut. When the door is shut is when I lean against the seat and break down crying.
Hearing the passenger side door open I don't have to turn my head to know it's Zac. I don't have to because I know. "Ave?" he questions and I turn my head to face him, wiping my tears away.
"Did it hurt this much when you watched Carrick propose to me?" I ask him before more tears fall from my eyes. "Because it feels as if my heart is being stomped on over and over again," I continue not giving him time to talk. "I saw you guys playing happy family. That's why I was on the steps when you came out. Seeing that made me realize I loved you but maybe deep down I knew I always did because I lied about there being no spark between Taylor and I. I just couldn't do that to you. I couldn't be with him because I knew it would hurt you. But maybe a part of me did it because I knew I still loved you and I never stopped."
Zac frowns as he listens to me, "You don't know what you are saying," he speaks as he reaches over to wipe the tears from eyes now. "You're just pregnant and upset."
"I'm not just pregnant and upset Zac," I snap at him and he jumps some. "I love you. I'm still in love with you."
"Rachel," Zac speaks as he looks towards the cabin where Rachel is probably inside being the happy giddy bitch. "I love her Avery. Taylor's your better choice. Just go be with him and let me move on with Rachel."
Shaking my head at his words I can't help but glare. I am pissed that he is again trying to push me towards Taylor. Push me towards someone who I don't want. "Why do you want me with Taylor so badly?"
"Because every time I touch you all I am gonna see is Sam touching you. Is Sam having sex with you," Zac confesses which shocks me. "I have already seen it the times I have done it. I hate that I allowed him the chance to torment you Avery. I hate that I let him get into your life. If I hadn't have been that coward and faked my death you wouldn't have gotten hurt."
Frowning at his words I shrug, "I've moved on from Sam hurting me," I tell Zac as I smile some. "I feel safe with you again. I felt safe with you when we made love after that threesome with Taylor. I know you're not Sam."
Zac looks away from me after I speak which breaks my heart. "I'm not over it though Avery," he whispers sadly as he shakes his head. "It hurt hearing you say you didn't love me. It hurt knowing you loved Taylor but the thought of it made things okay because I knew then I wouldn't have to see you or touch you every day with the guilt of what Sam did. I just I can't do this Avery. I am with Rachel now and we are done," Zac states before getting out of my car and slamming the door.
Watching him leave the car I frown but start it up and drive away heading home. Knowing Zac's reasons now for insisting I am with Taylor makes things clear for me but they still hurt. They hurt because the first time I let him talk me into ending things. I let him drive me away and now Zac is refusing to let me back in. Zac is refusing to let me back into his heart. He wants Rachel which makes me sick.
When I get home I park my car and get out heading inside. Once I am inside I go to my room and lay down on the bed where I start to cry again. I am just hurt that Zac doesn't want to be with me because of the Sam stuff. That he still hasn't forgiven himself for what happened even though it's been months now. I want my Zac back but he isn't here. Instead there is Rachel's Zac.
Closing my eyes I let myself drift off into a restless sleep in which I toss and turn entirely too much. By the time I wake up the next morning I feel worse then what I did when I went to sleep and the pounding on my door isn't helping the headache I developed in my sleep.
Getting out of bed I go to the door and open it with a glare wanting whoever it is to know I am pissed they are here at my door pounding like some idiot. Though the moment I see Taylor standing there holding Bree my glare drops slightly.
Taylor makes a face as he looks me over, "You look like shit," he mutters before coming inside the apartment. "I decided to bring Bree back early though so maybe that will help you look less like shit."
"I look like shit because of Zac," I mutter under my breath as I close the door once Taylor is inside. "Did you know he was dating a girl named Rachel and he brought Rachel here for the weekend to propose?" I ask watching as Taylor turns to face me with a guilty look on his face. He knew too but never told me.
"Zac made me promise not to tell you," Taylor reasons as he sits down on the couch putting Bree down on the floor. I can't help but keep an eye on her as she toddles over to some of her toys that are in the corner of the room. "Did you see her?"
"Not just her. I watched Zac propose," I reveal forcing a smile. "I realized I still love Zac when I saw how happy they were with Shepherd and Junia. I told him but he refuses to be with me because of everything Sam did. He wants me to be with you so he doesn't have to feel fucking guilty for shit still."
Taylor smiles as I sit down beside him on the couch, "Then why don't you do what he wants Ave," he says which surprises me. "I mean I know you love him and you'll always love him but why not give me a chance? And don't give me bullshit about hurting Zac because he is trying to push you towards me so give him what he wants."
Sighing I look over at Bree for awhile almost wishing I could be her age again. At least then things weren't complicated. Things were easy. I didn't have to make a choice between going against what Zac wanted and fighting for him or doing what he wanted and giving Taylor a chance.
"Fine," I mutter as I look back at him and nod my head. "I'll do what Zac wants. I always do what he wants. I'll give you chance," I smile some this time not having to force it as much. "I'll be with you."