Live In My Memory Chapter Twenty
After my talk with Zac about the baby and not being in love with him anymore it seems like time just flies by. I end up going back to Tulsa three days after that mainly because Shepherd wanted me to stay for awhile which I did for him. Now though it's June and I am six months pregnant. Six months with a baby boy. I had decided to find out like I had with my other two kids and I was glad I was having a boy finally after two girls.
As I thought of my girls I smile to myself. Bree who turned one last month is off in Georgia with her daddy. A daddy who is in the process of leaving his wife. Apparently Natalie had cheated again with the same man she thought she could have been pregnant by. That had been the final straw for Taylor who left Natalie. When he had came to get Bree last week he said he was in the process of filing for a divorce and then he'd move back here to Tulsa and find his own place big enough for his kids whenever he had them all.
Junia was the only child I had with me now for the past few days and I frown some knowing she misses having her sister around. She also misses having Shepherd close by and the one visit she has made to Georgia proved awful as she didn't understand why she couldn't just stay with daddy in Georgia like Shepherd. To say she was a daddy's girl was an understatement.
"Mommy?" Junia's voice comes through breaking my thoughts and I smile as I turn to see she has joined me on the couch. "Can we go to the lake today?" she asks me referring to the cabin my family owns. "You said we could one day while Bree was with uncle Taylor."
I nod remembering I did say that to her, "We can if you want? How about going to get your bathing suit on and I'll go get mine on and we can go."
Junia smiles happily as she moves from the couch running down the hall. "Don't run inside," I yell after her as I stand up from the couch as well and walk down to my room. Shutting the door I go to my closet where I had put my bathing suit after taking the girls to the pool a few days before Taylor came to get Bree.
Getting the suit out I put it on quickly and throw my hair into a bun before grabbing a pair of shorts to but over my bikini bottoms. I know I am six months pregnant but wearing a maternity bikini is a lot easier for me to do than wearing a one piece. I feel less confined and restricted.
Leaving the room I go down to the bathroom where I get the sunscreen then once I have it I head to Junia's room smiling when I see she has her suit on. "Come here Junebug," I smile as I bend down to her level. "Mommy has to put sunscreen on you."
"But I hate it," Junia pouts but she lets me do it anyway. I am sure she remembers the bad sunburn she got once when she talked Carrick into letting her go without sunscreen.
Once I am done with her sunscreen I stand up and put the sunscreen on myself, "See even mommy has to wear it," I tell her when I am done applying it. Keeping the bottle in my hand I pick her up and kiss her cheek. "You'll always be mommy's baby," I whisper as we leave her bedroom and head down the hall.
"I'm four now mommy. I'm not a baby," Junia giggles as she rests her head on my shoulder. "Bree is the baby for now," she sighs as she puts her foot against my belly. "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him."
I nod before going outside and shutting the door behind us, "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him," I agree as we walk to the car where I soon put Junia in her booster seat before getting in myself. "What do you think about Milo being daddy's baby also?" I ask Junia as I pull away from the apartment and head towards the interstate.
"I'm daddy's baby," Junia insists her voice getting whiny at that. "I'm his baby."
Laughing I shake my head some, "But you just said earlier you weren't a baby," I remind her. I can't help but wonder what she will say to that. She is after all known for being random.
"I changed my mind," Junia answers and I look at her through the rear view mirror laughing more when I see the pout on her face. To say she is Zac's daughter would be the truth in this moment because she is acting just like him. I find it funny and heart warming at the same time.
Eventually I pull my car onto the road that leads to the cabin though when I get to the cabin I raise an eyebrow when I see a car already there. A car that is parked beside Zac's truck.
Getting out of my car I go to get Junia out and hold her on my hip. I barely get her out before I hear someone hollering my name and I turn to see Shepherd running toward us in his wet swim trunks. Bending down in enough time I catch him and pull him into a hug. I hadn't known Zac was in Oklahoma this week. I guess I figured every time he was here he would call to see if he could get Junia. Then again he doesn't have too either.
"Hey there buddy," I say before kissing Shepherd's cheek and standing Junia down beside him. "What are you doing here?"
Shepherd makes a face after I kiss his cheek, "Daddy brought me," he explains as he looks towards the lake. "He is still swimming with his girlfriend," he informs me and it's then that I realize why Zac didn't tell me he was here. He didn't want me to know he had a girlfriend or ruin his getaway with her.
"Your daddy has a girlfriend?" I ask him as I stand up watching as Junia takes his hand which makes me smile some and it it just makes Shepherd give another face.
Shepherd nods his head turning away as he leads his sister towards the water and I follow behind them. "Her name is Rachel," he says once we reach the lake and I can see Zac swimming around with some brunette who is wearing a skimpy bikini. One I wouldn't wear if kids were around. I am trying not to be jealous hell I have no reason to be because I no longer am in love with that man yet here I am feeling jealousy seeping into my bones. Jealousy that gets worse when the brunette kisses Zac before dunking him under water.
"Mommy why did daddy kiss that woman like that?" Junia asks a little too loudly which seems to get Zac's attention as he comes back up. When Zac looks over at where I stand with the kids I force a smile before nodding. I want to go and run but I am frozen in place as both Zac and his girlfriend Rachel get out of the water and come over to us.
I can tell that Zac is forcing his own smile and Rachel just looks confused, "I didn't know your sister's daughter called you daddy," she speaks up which makes me give Zac a look. So he hasn't told her about us having a child together. "I mean I assume this is Avery the one you've pointed out in pictures of the whole family."
"I am Avery," I say to Rachel as I look her over feeling jealous of how tiny she is and how much she looks like she is younger than me. "And this is my daughter Junia," I say as I look down at Junia who grabs onto my leg and hides her face from the lady who is a stranger to her.
Rachel seems to go silent when I say Junia's name. It's like she is doing some sort of math or calculations in her head. "How can your sister be the mother of your daughter?" she asks Zac finally sounding confused. "I mean I saw pictures of you holding a baby named Junia that you claimed was yours and now your sister says she is hers too?"
Zac's face goes red at Rachel's words and he looks away from everyone, "Maybe we should talk in private Rach," he whispers as he grabs her arm and leads her away. I guess this means I am in charge of both kids right now.
Looking down at both of the children I sigh but force another smile, "Let's go get in the water okay," I nod before feeling Junia move off of my leg. She is the first one to go in with Shepherd and I following close behind her. I make sure both of them don't go out too deep by swimming out just a bit farther and every time they start to make it towards me I move one or the other back towards the shallow end. I know Shepherd could swim out deeper if he wanted but it's Junia I worry about. She isn't as good at swimming yet and she always tries to copy Shepherd so if she swam out too far she'd be in trouble.
When it starts to get dark and Zac hasn't came back yet I round up Shepherd and Junia and make my way towards the cabin where I find Zac sitting alone on the steps of the porch. "Shep can you take Junia inside so both of you can dry off?" I ask watching as he nods his head before grabbing Junia's hand and leading her inside.
Once they are inside I sit down beside Zac, "Where is Rachel?" I question him noticing her car is gone.
"She went to stay at a hotel. She claimed she couldn't be around me right now after finding out that I dated my sister," Zac laughs bitterly before running a hand through his hair. "I should have known she'd find out eventually and been honest from the start but I don't know how to tell anyone about what we had. That we have a child soon to be two children together."
"I understand why you didn't tell her," I tell him as I reach over and rub his back trying to comfort him. "I mean I am so lucky Carrick understood so much and was willing to still be with me when we thought you were dead. That he was willing to take care of Junia, Bree, and I."
At the mention of Carrick I watch as Zac closes his eyes and I want to kick myself. He is probably still haunted by images of watching him get murdered. "Why did you choose to be her mom again?" Zac asks surprising me. "Why did you choose to want her after I was dead? I wanted you to do that so many times before I faked my death."
Swallowing loudly I sit there in silence for awhile as I think of an answer for him, "Because she was the last good thing of you I thought I had left and every time I looked at her when I was here before your memorial I felt guilty because I thought what I had done by leaving you guys was why you did it. I thought that my sleeping with Taylor and abandoning you and Junia was why you killed yourself," I shrug feeling pathetic. "I knew though I needed Junia not just because of you but because I loved her when she fell once and hurt her head. I took her to the hospital and I realized I was her mother and I loved her and I couldn't let Kate keep her. I needed my daughter...our daughter with me. That letting Kate drive me away was stupid."
If Zac has anything against my words he doesn't say anything. "I faked my death because I was a coward," he speaks as he looks away from me. "I thought you had truly moved on then and I just..I didn't want to see you happy without me. I never knew you hadn't moved on. I never knew faking my death would make you move on completely," he confesses and I hate the way his voice reminds me of a lost child. It makes my heartbreak for him and it makes me feel guilty.
"But you have moved on now," I smile before realizing my hand is still on his back. Moving it off I blush some. "You are dating Rachel. If she really likes you she may be able to get over your past," I say trying to make him feel better. Instead it makes my jealous bone act up again as I picture him with her.
"I'm dating her but that doesn't mean I don't still love you," Zac frowns before standing from the porch steps. "I'll never stop loving you. You're the first woman I loved. I may have married Kate but we both know I never loved her."
I stay seated on the steps until Zac goes inside. It's after he goes in that I finally get up and go inside as well to get Junia so we can go home. "Junebug," I speak when I see her sitting on the couch with Shepherd watching some cartoon. "We need to go home now. It's getting late and we need to get you fed and in bed."
"I wanna stay here mommy," Junia speaks which makes me shake my head. "Shepherd said they are staying all weekend and I wanna stay with him and daddy," she pouts as she stands from the couch and walks over to me. "Please can I stay?"
Bending down to her level I look her in the eyes, "You have no clothes here baby girl," I remind her. "You can't stay here with no clothes."
"You can go and get them," Zac speaks which makes me turn my head to look at him. "I can make the kids grilled cheese and you can go and get her clothes."
Standing up again I nod but turn to leave the cabin, "I'll be back then after I go and get her stuff and change clothes," I smile before I open the door to the cabin.
I am able to leave quickly and I drive the hour drive back home quickly. Getting home I decide to shower and change clothes before packing Junia's stuff up. Once I have her stuff packed I am back on the road and headed to the cabin. When I get there I park my car and head to the porch where I find the door in front of the screen door open.
The sight I see sitting at the kitchen table makes me stop in my tracks because it Zac and his kids along with Rachel. All of them are laughing at some joke or something funny. Backing away from the door I sit down on the stairs holding the bag with Junia's clothes in my hand. The sight of Zac acting like a happy family with Rachel who must have gotten over her disgust and came back while I was gone has hurt me.
It hurts so much and I'm not sure if I am ready for Zac to try to move on. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on. I'm not sure I want Zac being happy with another woman and acting like a perfect family with anyone but me. But that is selfish of me isn't it? It's selfish of me to want that if I don't love him but maybe if I want that then I love him still.
After my talk with Zac about the baby and not being in love with him anymore it seems like time just flies by. I end up going back to Tulsa three days after that mainly because Shepherd wanted me to stay for awhile which I did for him. Now though it's June and I am six months pregnant. Six months with a baby boy. I had decided to find out like I had with my other two kids and I was glad I was having a boy finally after two girls.
As I thought of my girls I smile to myself. Bree who turned one last month is off in Georgia with her daddy. A daddy who is in the process of leaving his wife. Apparently Natalie had cheated again with the same man she thought she could have been pregnant by. That had been the final straw for Taylor who left Natalie. When he had came to get Bree last week he said he was in the process of filing for a divorce and then he'd move back here to Tulsa and find his own place big enough for his kids whenever he had them all.
Junia was the only child I had with me now for the past few days and I frown some knowing she misses having her sister around. She also misses having Shepherd close by and the one visit she has made to Georgia proved awful as she didn't understand why she couldn't just stay with daddy in Georgia like Shepherd. To say she was a daddy's girl was an understatement.
"Mommy?" Junia's voice comes through breaking my thoughts and I smile as I turn to see she has joined me on the couch. "Can we go to the lake today?" she asks me referring to the cabin my family owns. "You said we could one day while Bree was with uncle Taylor."
I nod remembering I did say that to her, "We can if you want? How about going to get your bathing suit on and I'll go get mine on and we can go."
Junia smiles happily as she moves from the couch running down the hall. "Don't run inside," I yell after her as I stand up from the couch as well and walk down to my room. Shutting the door I go to my closet where I had put my bathing suit after taking the girls to the pool a few days before Taylor came to get Bree.
Getting the suit out I put it on quickly and throw my hair into a bun before grabbing a pair of shorts to but over my bikini bottoms. I know I am six months pregnant but wearing a maternity bikini is a lot easier for me to do than wearing a one piece. I feel less confined and restricted.
Leaving the room I go down to the bathroom where I get the sunscreen then once I have it I head to Junia's room smiling when I see she has her suit on. "Come here Junebug," I smile as I bend down to her level. "Mommy has to put sunscreen on you."
"But I hate it," Junia pouts but she lets me do it anyway. I am sure she remembers the bad sunburn she got once when she talked Carrick into letting her go without sunscreen.
Once I am done with her sunscreen I stand up and put the sunscreen on myself, "See even mommy has to wear it," I tell her when I am done applying it. Keeping the bottle in my hand I pick her up and kiss her cheek. "You'll always be mommy's baby," I whisper as we leave her bedroom and head down the hall.
"I'm four now mommy. I'm not a baby," Junia giggles as she rests her head on my shoulder. "Bree is the baby for now," she sighs as she puts her foot against my belly. "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him."
I nod before going outside and shutting the door behind us, "Milo will be the baby when the stork brings him," I agree as we walk to the car where I soon put Junia in her booster seat before getting in myself. "What do you think about Milo being daddy's baby also?" I ask Junia as I pull away from the apartment and head towards the interstate.
"I'm daddy's baby," Junia insists her voice getting whiny at that. "I'm his baby."
Laughing I shake my head some, "But you just said earlier you weren't a baby," I remind her. I can't help but wonder what she will say to that. She is after all known for being random.
"I changed my mind," Junia answers and I look at her through the rear view mirror laughing more when I see the pout on her face. To say she is Zac's daughter would be the truth in this moment because she is acting just like him. I find it funny and heart warming at the same time.
Eventually I pull my car onto the road that leads to the cabin though when I get to the cabin I raise an eyebrow when I see a car already there. A car that is parked beside Zac's truck.
Getting out of my car I go to get Junia out and hold her on my hip. I barely get her out before I hear someone hollering my name and I turn to see Shepherd running toward us in his wet swim trunks. Bending down in enough time I catch him and pull him into a hug. I hadn't known Zac was in Oklahoma this week. I guess I figured every time he was here he would call to see if he could get Junia. Then again he doesn't have too either.
"Hey there buddy," I say before kissing Shepherd's cheek and standing Junia down beside him. "What are you doing here?"
Shepherd makes a face after I kiss his cheek, "Daddy brought me," he explains as he looks towards the lake. "He is still swimming with his girlfriend," he informs me and it's then that I realize why Zac didn't tell me he was here. He didn't want me to know he had a girlfriend or ruin his getaway with her.
"Your daddy has a girlfriend?" I ask him as I stand up watching as Junia takes his hand which makes me smile some and it it just makes Shepherd give another face.
Shepherd nods his head turning away as he leads his sister towards the water and I follow behind them. "Her name is Rachel," he says once we reach the lake and I can see Zac swimming around with some brunette who is wearing a skimpy bikini. One I wouldn't wear if kids were around. I am trying not to be jealous hell I have no reason to be because I no longer am in love with that man yet here I am feeling jealousy seeping into my bones. Jealousy that gets worse when the brunette kisses Zac before dunking him under water.
"Mommy why did daddy kiss that woman like that?" Junia asks a little too loudly which seems to get Zac's attention as he comes back up. When Zac looks over at where I stand with the kids I force a smile before nodding. I want to go and run but I am frozen in place as both Zac and his girlfriend Rachel get out of the water and come over to us.
I can tell that Zac is forcing his own smile and Rachel just looks confused, "I didn't know your sister's daughter called you daddy," she speaks up which makes me give Zac a look. So he hasn't told her about us having a child together. "I mean I assume this is Avery the one you've pointed out in pictures of the whole family."
"I am Avery," I say to Rachel as I look her over feeling jealous of how tiny she is and how much she looks like she is younger than me. "And this is my daughter Junia," I say as I look down at Junia who grabs onto my leg and hides her face from the lady who is a stranger to her.
Rachel seems to go silent when I say Junia's name. It's like she is doing some sort of math or calculations in her head. "How can your sister be the mother of your daughter?" she asks Zac finally sounding confused. "I mean I saw pictures of you holding a baby named Junia that you claimed was yours and now your sister says she is hers too?"
Zac's face goes red at Rachel's words and he looks away from everyone, "Maybe we should talk in private Rach," he whispers as he grabs her arm and leads her away. I guess this means I am in charge of both kids right now.
Looking down at both of the children I sigh but force another smile, "Let's go get in the water okay," I nod before feeling Junia move off of my leg. She is the first one to go in with Shepherd and I following close behind her. I make sure both of them don't go out too deep by swimming out just a bit farther and every time they start to make it towards me I move one or the other back towards the shallow end. I know Shepherd could swim out deeper if he wanted but it's Junia I worry about. She isn't as good at swimming yet and she always tries to copy Shepherd so if she swam out too far she'd be in trouble.
When it starts to get dark and Zac hasn't came back yet I round up Shepherd and Junia and make my way towards the cabin where I find Zac sitting alone on the steps of the porch. "Shep can you take Junia inside so both of you can dry off?" I ask watching as he nods his head before grabbing Junia's hand and leading her inside.
Once they are inside I sit down beside Zac, "Where is Rachel?" I question him noticing her car is gone.
"She went to stay at a hotel. She claimed she couldn't be around me right now after finding out that I dated my sister," Zac laughs bitterly before running a hand through his hair. "I should have known she'd find out eventually and been honest from the start but I don't know how to tell anyone about what we had. That we have a child soon to be two children together."
"I understand why you didn't tell her," I tell him as I reach over and rub his back trying to comfort him. "I mean I am so lucky Carrick understood so much and was willing to still be with me when we thought you were dead. That he was willing to take care of Junia, Bree, and I."
At the mention of Carrick I watch as Zac closes his eyes and I want to kick myself. He is probably still haunted by images of watching him get murdered. "Why did you choose to be her mom again?" Zac asks surprising me. "Why did you choose to want her after I was dead? I wanted you to do that so many times before I faked my death."
Swallowing loudly I sit there in silence for awhile as I think of an answer for him, "Because she was the last good thing of you I thought I had left and every time I looked at her when I was here before your memorial I felt guilty because I thought what I had done by leaving you guys was why you did it. I thought that my sleeping with Taylor and abandoning you and Junia was why you killed yourself," I shrug feeling pathetic. "I knew though I needed Junia not just because of you but because I loved her when she fell once and hurt her head. I took her to the hospital and I realized I was her mother and I loved her and I couldn't let Kate keep her. I needed my daughter...our daughter with me. That letting Kate drive me away was stupid."
If Zac has anything against my words he doesn't say anything. "I faked my death because I was a coward," he speaks as he looks away from me. "I thought you had truly moved on then and I just..I didn't want to see you happy without me. I never knew you hadn't moved on. I never knew faking my death would make you move on completely," he confesses and I hate the way his voice reminds me of a lost child. It makes my heartbreak for him and it makes me feel guilty.
"But you have moved on now," I smile before realizing my hand is still on his back. Moving it off I blush some. "You are dating Rachel. If she really likes you she may be able to get over your past," I say trying to make him feel better. Instead it makes my jealous bone act up again as I picture him with her.
"I'm dating her but that doesn't mean I don't still love you," Zac frowns before standing from the porch steps. "I'll never stop loving you. You're the first woman I loved. I may have married Kate but we both know I never loved her."
I stay seated on the steps until Zac goes inside. It's after he goes in that I finally get up and go inside as well to get Junia so we can go home. "Junebug," I speak when I see her sitting on the couch with Shepherd watching some cartoon. "We need to go home now. It's getting late and we need to get you fed and in bed."
"I wanna stay here mommy," Junia speaks which makes me shake my head. "Shepherd said they are staying all weekend and I wanna stay with him and daddy," she pouts as she stands from the couch and walks over to me. "Please can I stay?"
Bending down to her level I look her in the eyes, "You have no clothes here baby girl," I remind her. "You can't stay here with no clothes."
"You can go and get them," Zac speaks which makes me turn my head to look at him. "I can make the kids grilled cheese and you can go and get her clothes."
Standing up again I nod but turn to leave the cabin, "I'll be back then after I go and get her stuff and change clothes," I smile before I open the door to the cabin.
I am able to leave quickly and I drive the hour drive back home quickly. Getting home I decide to shower and change clothes before packing Junia's stuff up. Once I have her stuff packed I am back on the road and headed to the cabin. When I get there I park my car and head to the porch where I find the door in front of the screen door open.
The sight I see sitting at the kitchen table makes me stop in my tracks because it Zac and his kids along with Rachel. All of them are laughing at some joke or something funny. Backing away from the door I sit down on the stairs holding the bag with Junia's clothes in my hand. The sight of Zac acting like a happy family with Rachel who must have gotten over her disgust and came back while I was gone has hurt me.
It hurts so much and I'm not sure if I am ready for Zac to try to move on. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on. I'm not sure I want Zac being happy with another woman and acting like a perfect family with anyone but me. But that is selfish of me isn't it? It's selfish of me to want that if I don't love him but maybe if I want that then I love him still.